Little Johnny

“God's Handles”

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work,
Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George
holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

"Johnny's Little Train"

Little Johnny gets a train set for his birthday. After several minutes of Johnny being very quite his mother goes and checks on him. Watching the train go around he suddely stops the train and says All right all u son of bitches getting off the train get off all u son of bitches getting on the train get on. His mother was shocked..Johnny u cant say that go to your room young man and think about what you said. In 2 hours she went and asked him if he had learned his leson. Yes replied Johnny well go play. After 20 minutes his mother went to check on him looking around the corner Johnny stopped the train allright all you nice people getting off the train get off and all u nice people getting on the trin get on... and hurry the hell up cause the bitch in the backs got us 2 hours behind schedule.

Hillarious jokes n pic man thanks :D

"Thanksgiving Day"

One day lilttle johnny was at home he heard his parents arguing Little Johnny’s Mom said"Shut up u f@#ing whore" to his father Little Johnny’s Father said" no you shut up bitch" So the next day (it’s thanksgiving) Little Johnny goes in the bathroom and finds his father shaving he ask" Dad what’s a bitch?" His dad says" that’s a women" then his dad cut his self " oh shit" his dad said as the blood dripped.
Downstairs his mother was preparing the turkey, Lil Johnny comes in and asks"mom what’s a whore" his mom replies" that’s a man" then she cuts her self while prepering the turkey " oh f@#k".
That night at dinner when the whole family was there Lil Johnny got up before everybody started eating and said" Listein up all u bitches and whores daddies in the bathroom shittin and mama’s in the kitchen f@#%n' the turkey"

Little Johnny comes home and tells his mom i got my first blow job. His mother very mad tells him to go to his room and say’s when his dad comes home he is going to have a talk with him. A couple hours later Johnny’s dad comes home and his wife says go talk to your son he just got his first blow job. So the dad go’s upstairs and say’s to his son so Johnny I hear you got your first blow job. Johnny go’s yup. The dad asks Johnny so how did it feel he say’s ok but i still can’t get the taste out of my mouth.

One day, little sussy, had her first pms and she was bleeding everywhere. Afraid to tell her parents whats going on....she ran outside and saw little johnny. Crying, she walked up to little johnny and said " OMG, johnny, I am bleeding everywhere, and I am to scared to tell my parents, what should I do?" Little Johnny said, "Well...Let me have a look"

Little Sussy pulled down her pants and little johnny was looking.

As johnny examine little sussy he said" I may not be a doctor, but it looks like someone ripped off your balls"

one day little johnny comes from school with a black eye and his mom told him "wat happened" then johnny says "a bully at my shool punched me" "well tomorrow give him some chocolates sohe couold sttart being nice O.K"said johnny’s mom the next day johnny comes with another black eye and his mom told him what happened and johnny said"the bully wanted more chocolates"

Little Johnny was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually he slept through the class. One day the teacher called on him while he was napping, ’’Tell me, Johnny, who created the universe?’’

When Johnny didn’t stir, little Mary, an altruistic girl seated in the chair behind him, took a pin and jabbed him in the rear. ’’God Almighty !’’ shouted Johnny and the teacher said, ’’Very good’’ and Johnny fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Johnny, ’’Who is our Lord and Savior?’’ But Johnny didn’t even stir from his slumber. Once again, Mary came to the rescue and stuck him again. ’’Jesus Christ!’’ shouted Johnny and the teacher said, ’’Very good,’’ and Johnny fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Johnny a third question, ’’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’’ And again, mary jabbed her with the pin. This time Johnny jumped up and shouted, ’’If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’’

The Teacher fainted.

Little johnny was playing in the house and his mother was trying to clean. Johnny kept gettin underfoot. Mom tells him to go down the streeet and watch the construction crew and mabey he could learn something. A while later Johnny was back in the back yard and had gotten a couple of sticks, some string and a little towel and had made some bricks of mud. As he tried to line them up they would slide to ane side or the other. he gets mad, throws the towel down and yells "I need a f@$king mud man" Mom ovehears him and tells him to get her a switch. Jonnie replies "F@$k you Mac. that’s the electritions job!"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wanted to buy Mom."

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand
up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny’s class went on a field trip. that night johnny asked his teacher if he can sleep with her cause he was scared the teacher said only tonight then he said can i play with your belly button with my finger to make me fall asleep she said only tonight a minute later she screamed and said that is not my belly button and little johnny said thats not my finger either!!!

Little Johnny’s in class one day, and the teacher calls on students to name things that are not good to put in their mouths. Little Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. "A lit light bulb," he says. The teacher says, "Well, you’re right, but do you know why it’s not good for you?" Little Johnny says, "No, I don’t know why, but my mom always tell my dad, ’Turn the light off before you put it in my mouth!’"

Little Johnny and his grandfather goes fishing. While fishing grandfather takes a cigar out and start smoking.
Little Johnny: “Grandpa, grandpa, Can I also have a cigar”
Grandpa: “Does your penis reach your butt hole?”
Little Johnny: “No”
Grandpa: “Then, no, you can’t have a cigar”

At lunch time grandpa takes out a beer and drink that with his lunch.

Little Johnny: “Grandpa, grandpa, Can I also have a beer”
Grandpa: “Does your penis reach your butt hole?”
Little Johnny: “No”
Grandpa: “Then, no, you can’t have a beer”

After fishing, little Johnny and Grandpa head home, on the way they stop by a gas station and buys some stuff. They also buy a scratch and win lottery; Grandpa didn’t win anything, but little Jhonny got lucky and won $10000.

Grandpa: “well done little Johnny, now we are going to share that money in half and half.”
Little Johnny: “Does your penis reach your butt hole?”
Grandpa: “Yes, it does”
Little Johnny: “Then, you can go and fu(k your self”

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m capitalism because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn’t do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of crap."

One night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dreamt his Uncle Bill died. He woke up and that evening, his dad got a call saying that Uncle Bill died. The next night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dreamt his Aunt Joy died. He woke up, and then that evening, his dad got a call saying that Aunt Joy died. He told his daddy, "Two days ago, I had a dream Uncle Bill died, and then yesterday, I had a dream Aunt Joy died. His dad said, "that’s just a coincidence." The next morning he tells his dad, "I had a dream that my dad died." His dad was terrified. He had the worst day at work and took every precaution. He didn’t eat any of the food in case of food poisoning, and he drove slowly in case of a car wreck. When he finally got home, Little Johnny’s mom asks him how his day at work was. "Much more horrible than your day I’m sure," his dad replied. "I don’t know," said his mom, "The milkman dropped dead on the front porch today!

One day, Little Johnny is outside playing with his dad when he sees something in the tree, it is really a condum, but he doesn’t know. His father says, "It’s a cookie, Johnny. Don’t eat the cookie, Johnny.". So, the next day, Johnny asks his father if he can go outside and his father says that he can. After Johnny is outside for a while, he comes in feeling sick. His dad says "I told you not to eat the cookie, Johnny!". "I didn’t", he says, "I ate the cream filling around it."

Little Johnny hears his parents fighting, "You Bitch, You Basterd" and little Johnny says, "What does that mean?" "Grandma and Grampa son, Grandma and Grampa." So then he goes and plays out side and hears these people talking, "Yeah so I said c’mon stick your dick in my pussy." He says, "What is dick and pussy." The people turn around surprised and quickly say, "hat and coat."
Then he goes upstairs to find his dad shaving. His dad cuts himself and says, "SHIT!" "What does that mean Daddy?" "Oh, um, shaving cream." Then little Johnny goes down stairs to see his mom stuffing the turkey. Her ring gets caught and she says, "F@#K!" Little Johnny says, "What does that mean Mommy?" "Stuffing son, stuffing." Then the doorbell rings and Johnny goes to open it. It’s his grandparents. Little Johnny says "Hi Bitch, hi Basturd, can I take your dick and pussy? Dad’s upstairs putting shit all over his face and Mom’s in the kitchen f@#king the turkey!"

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms."

The preacher looked out of the church’s window and saw Little Johnnie sitting on the curb smashing ants with his finger and saying, "God damn ants, God damn ants". Horrified (that means shocked to those at K-State), the preacher rushes outside to confront the boy.

"Little Johnnie, whatever are you doing? Don’t you know that ants are God’s creatures and he has a place for them in life?"
Little Johnnie looks up at the preacher and says, "Preacher, I do believe in God, and I do believe that he has placed all creatures here for a reason..... except for these God damn ants", and continues to smash them with his finger.

The preacher, filled with disbelief (that means disbelief to you Oklahoma fans), grabs Little Johnnie up from the curb, gets in his face and says, "Little Johnnie, I can not allow this to go on! I want to stop this senseless act immediately and think of all the harm you have caused here today. And before you even think of doing it again, I want you to come up with three things that God has put on this earth for no good reason at all".

With that said, the preacher turned and went back into the church. Soon after, he looked back out of the window to see Little Johnnie still sitting at the curb smashing ants. Now filled with the sin of anger, the preacher stormed out of the church, grabbed Little Johnnie, shook him and shouted, "Little Johnnie, I am beyond belief. No sooner had I gone inside than you have returned to destroying this life at your mindless discretion (this means right to decide to those at U of Missouri). Did I not give you the task of coming up with three things that God has put on this earth for no good reason at all before you could return to this travesty against God"?

Little Johnnie looked at the preacher with the eyes of an innocent and said, "But Preacher, I have thought of three things that God has put on this earth for no good reason at all".
The preacher stared at Little Johnnie in total disbelief. "Alright my son" the preacher said, "tell me what three things that God has put on this earth for no good reason at all".

And with a devils grin Little Johnnie said, "This was easy... titts on a Nun, balls on a Priest, and these God damn ants"!