Note: Apologies frm de Lady for the " A" words.
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The man replied, "I agree with you completely. "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Security

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator "Alan Pinkerton" for protection.

That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as:

FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across the backs:

"F.A.T.A.S.S."

The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as:

Airport Security Service
Home Office Logistics
Enhancement Section
or the:

A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.



I feel safer already....

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"

Sven is out of work and has to apply for a job at the plant, which is known for
not hiring Norwegians. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without
using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Vitout numbers?" Sven says. "I can do dat easy," and proceeds to draw three
trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says Sven.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules,
but this time the number is 99."

Sven stares blankly into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent
99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty
tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Norwegian, but then
figures out one that he figures Sven doesn't have a chance and and says, "All
right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Sven stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a
little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One huntret."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a
hundred!"

Sven leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a
turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make a huntret ..
So when I start?"

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.


They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."


Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars

The Wedgie .. [ SPECIAL REQUEST BY DANNY BOY..........DEDICATED ESPECIALLY TO DANNY BOY !]

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

hey lady...:o)...

great jokes....saab kayho..busy laughin...no one...sayn thanks?hehe....anyways saab ko lai thanks la...liked the last one a lot ^ hehe,...dunno why :oP

do teachers make a habit of gettn their dress in the crack in church?dyam ..i missed a lot skipping me church :oP...(anyways if god is a sensitive word for ppl...sorry :o)..)

anyways have fun...i should be doin work..so outta here..

is it just me?or whenever we have work...we just wanna do other things..than do work?:oS


danny
(ps more pls....that is if u havent exceeded ur max of 20-post...or u got unlimited?hehe oh yah not today..too much work :oP)

Hehehe, nice ones!
i liked the Michael Jackson one!

hey lady croft that ass hole one was really great!!!!!!!!!!!!did u really do it!!i mean its true is not it???if it is hats off to ya....

thank you! these are too funny, i'm still laughing about the first one.....
i'm looking forward to more.

DANNY BWAI , I am glad it made you smile :) and I am sorrie abt sum hours back...couldn't stay cuz had to go you knw where ;)Hope to see you soon.....till then Just Do It ! ;)

[ Now u can say I am the new Marketing Director of NIKE to HER ] *Grins*

RED daka , Awwooooooo ! :p

ABYSS, am sorrie to disappoint you ! if anyone out here is ever compelled to do so, we hope to hear !! :D

This one dedicated to PALPALI !! *Smiles*
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Three Micro$oft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Micro$oft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Micro$oft engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple employee.

They all board the train. The Micro$oft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Micro$oft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don't buy any ticket, at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Micro$oft engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple employee.

When they board the train the three Micro$oft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Micro$oft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

NOTE : The jokes are not meant to offend anyone personally. Pardonez moi for any misconceptions.

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Dress Of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are you doing naked, woman?"

She responds: "This is the dress of love."

And he said to her: "Well, go iron it."

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: 'Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of wh**es in India?' With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. 'Wait, ladies,' cried the professor. 'The ship doesn't leave until tomorrow!'

Bill Gates vs General Motors.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.





SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?



A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

wow, one dedicated to me....? i'm honored. and the last one about the professor was great. kind of predicatable, but still funny. the first one is still my favorite, though.

*Giggles* Palpali :) Can you teach meh sum Magar bhasa too? :D

This one is your teaching fee :D :D :D
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A blonde walks into a bar and sits next to a man. 'I'll have a beer,' says the blonde to the bartender. The blonde then looks at the man sitting next to her and says, 'T.G.I.F.' The man looks at the lady and says, 'S.H.I.T.
' 'My god, that was mean. I was just saying Thank God It's Friday,' says the blonde. The man looked at her agian and says, 'And I was saying Sorry Honey It's Thursday.'